Sunday, June 03, 2007

Learning to Love with Open Hands

The thing about Buddhism that always trips me up is the detachment---detaching--non-attachment . . .whatever! When something is good and delicious in this life, the natural and all-too-human instinct is to grab it with both hands and hang on for dear life.

And this, friends, is the root of all our suffering.

Tonight, for the first time in our nascent relationship, my lover went to bed early, halfway across the country, and shut off his computer and cell phone before retiring. He also sent me an email, saying he was fading fast and was going to go to bed. And also, that he loved me and was thinking of me, and some other sweet and savory words.

Were his words, which should have been like manna for my heart, enough to satiate my hunger, my grasping, for him?


Instead, I watched with amusement as I got upset, then started doubting his love and desire for me, and for this "us", and then the piece de resistance: the Ghost to Beat All Ghosts arrived in her full regalia . . .I started to doubt myself.

Eventually, though, I did what I almost always do when I get a ticket for the Self-Awareness Train . . .I started writing.

So here I am.

I found that I actually moved pleasingly quickly from a space of upset and doubt, to one of acceptance and trust. If this keeps up, I might actually start skipping the doubt altogether. Now, THAT would be a neat trick, and it's about time.

My precious lover has quickly taught me many things. Probably without meaning to, he helped me learn another lesson tonight. I learned to love with open hands. Grazie, amore mia.

No comments: