Saturday, December 02, 2006

Surprise Wounds

"2006 law school graduate Becky Noran was surrounded by the love and pride of her family as they gathered to celebrate her achievements at Commencement."

My law's school's "Dean's Report" came in the mail today. Leafing through, planning to rather quickly toss it into the recycling bin, my eyes stopped on a joy-filled photograph with the above-quoted caption. It was indeed a law school graduate on graduation day, grinning from ear to ear, her mother on her left, father on her right, perfectly capturing Becky's triumph over law school and her parents' pride.

In the infamous split-second, tears filled my eyes.

I found myself at my own law school graduation, no, actually, I found myself in the car on the way home, wishing someone, anyone, from my own family had been there to surround me with "love and pride."

By the time law school commencement rolled around, my father had been absent from my life for many years, and my mother, well . . .I love my mother dearly and now that I am one, I am intimately familiar with the Failings of Mothers. Let's just say she couldn't be there, or wouldn't be there. She wasn't there.

It was more of the same, really. The little girl who used to fill out her own permission slips for field trips, then present them for signature, offering a pen and pointing to the signature line, she's still here, taking care of herself. And failing sometimes.

Lest the reader leave with the impression of the author as some constantly sad person, let me say: some days, most days, life is all Bob Marley's One Love and perfect. I'm a generally happy, upbeat, adventurous, laughing person.

But every once in a while, a surprise wound surfaces. The forgotten, or misplaced, or buried.


Then the voices start: "Oh get a grip, you should be lucky you went to law school, that you live in relative comfort in this country, and that you are reasonably intelligent . . .if mommy or daddy not coming to graduation are your worst problems, then you are blessed indeed."

I felt that way on graduation day, and I still feel that way nearly 8 years later.

But wounds are wounds, and sometimes they jump out at us from the unlikliest places, like the Dean's Report. I thought it had healed.

I still wish my parents had been at graduation. But that's ok. Up against the wounds I could have, I'll take this one, thanks. I'll laugh at how we all have our wounds, plan another adventure, and put Marley's One Love on repeat.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

It's Ok to Want You (a song)

I finally know
as some things go
that it's ok to want you

I finally see
the Light in me
and it's about time

Before the fall
I knew it all
but was in the dark

And hearts still bleed
but what I need
I've had all along

But it's ok to want you
it's ok to feel that rush
it's allright to want to stay the night
and love you this much
yeah, it's ok to want you

Can't make you stay
don't want to anyway
and I'm doing fine

But if you go
then you should know
we could share this light

and I know you've got your own

but there's a place we could call home
a sanctuary, our silver cocoon
and baby, we could share the moon

But it's ok to want you
it's ok to feel this rush
it's allright to want to stay the night
and love you this much
yeah, it's ok to want you

Monday, November 27, 2006

Of Stackers & Scrabble

Picture it. A nerdy, effervescent, 9 year old Australian boy, bubbling, "well, you see, me mum, she started me Stacking as a wee one, sittin' in me high chair, I was. But she always used yella cups, and so now I can only stack with yella cups, ya see, it's a mental thing."

Folks, some things in this life, you gotta see to believe. But occasionally, you can imagine it from a friend's description, even halfway across the globe . . .and you not only get to believe it, but you become part of it by adding your imagination.

So I was Instant Messaging with a friend who's working in New Zealand right now, and she's got the telly on in her hotel room while we're IMing. She begins to type something like, "you won't believe what's on the tv right now. I think this passes for a sport here. It's called Stacking."

Now, I'm sitting in my chair in the good ole US of A, imagining that Stacking is some sort of game like oh, say, cricket . . .so I say "oh? Stacking? What are they stacking?" And this appears before me on my screen, "Plastic cups. Into pyramids."

"Seriously?" I type, while simultaneously laughing so hard I almost fall off my chair.

"yes, and they are seriously interviewing these kids like sportscasters would interview World Series winners," she answers.

So she tells me about the kid with the mental yellow cup handicap, and then I start quoting the announcers, even though I can't see this Stacking Match, and have never seen one. Yes, oh yes, this is one of those times when imagination takes flight. Where one can practice Australian, putting words in the mouths of Stackers . . .

Kid: well, yanno, it's all in the concentration. It's such a mental game.

Announcer: What is your training regime like?

Kid: Well, I stack for 'round an hour in the early morning, before I walk to school. Then mum helps me practice again after school for an hour. Weekends, I've got a 2 hour practice with the rest of the team, over to the park, when the weather's nice."

Announcer: This obviously takes a good deal of dedication, then?

Kid: Only if ya wanna be the best Stacker, and blimey, I do!

Then there's Announcer Banter as the announcers comment on the match, in hushed, golf-game announcer voices . . .

Announcer 1: Oh no, that's a bad spot of luck, little Petunia lost her grip on that last cup there.

Announcer 2: Oh, you're right, Donovan. She's got to be upset about that one. That puts Team Blue into second place in the rankings now. Oh, now it's young Christopher on the next round . . .and he's doing very well, lots of skill and concentration from this up and coming Stacker . . .and Yes! A new individual record!


After Stacking was over, there was competitive Scrabble. Uh-huh.



Ah well. Perhaps the world would be a better place if there were more Stacking and Competitive Scrabble and less . . .oh, say, football? Besides, Stacking and Scrabble are humorous, and we do need more laughter in this world. yes.

I can dream, can't I?

Sunday, November 26, 2006

The One (a song)

Let the wind blow,
let the fire blaze,
let love come down
and clear the haze.
Let us be still,
let our hearts clear,
so in the silence
we can hear,
the One.


I love
laying in our miniature ocean,
your back
on my chest,
dipping the cloth
in liquid heat,
blanketing your heart
again and again,
so it doesn't catch cold.

I Would (a song)

I'd piece together all your broken dreams
Show you every day what real love really means
Hold you up to every new sunrise
lay with you at night and strip away disguise
I would

I'd give you space to roam and also hold you close
listen to you well about what matters most
Surrender to the gentle power of the man you are
lay with you under a million pure white stars
I would

Sit with you for hours, looking at the light
You'd see every day how love can turn out right
Hold your hand and hold your heart and yes I really could
if only you could open to receive it
I would.

The Only Word That Matters is Yes (a song)

Say yes to love
when your heart is breaking,
Say yes to fear
when your hands are shaking,
say yes and jump
when you're hesitating-
oh yes, you can

Open your heart
take it all in,
your life will start
when you dare to begin,
Don't settle for anything less.
The only word that matters,
the only word that matters

Say yes to doubt
when you can't decide,
Say yes to hope
when your small faith hides,
Say yes and open up,
oh yes, you can

Open your heart
take it all in,
your life will start
when you dare to begin.
Don't settle for anything less.
The only word that matters,
the only word that matters,
the only word that matters,

My Heart's Lullaby (a song)

Go to sleep
Go to sleep
dry your eyes and please don't weep
It's ok
It's ok
in your dreams the hurt won't stay

If your heart breaks,
at least you know it's beating,
in case you don't know
it bears repeating:
I love you
yes, I do
and there's nothing you can do,
to lose my love--
or lose your way, it's ok,
just look inside and you'll feel me say
I love you

Go to sleep
Go to sleep
sometimes we have to retreat
Go inside
run and hide
it's ok to give up
and try again another day.

If your heart aches,
well at least you know it's beating
in case you forgot
it always bears repeating
I love you
I love you
and there's nothing you could ever do
to lose my love
or lose your way
when you wake, you'll see a brighter day
I love you.

Empress Moon

New night,
lush ivory sphere.
Another chance
to be who I am,

as she reveals herself,
Empress Moon.

Red Wing (a song)

Red wing, black endless winter night
a place of fantasy, where reality took flight
Red wing, hearts meet
and the song was so sweet

Beauty came and found us
on a sparkling winter's night
a momentary flash of love
stars of blinding light
maybe I should have left that place
on wings of red and black
flying far and fast and never ever looking back

Golden curtains sheltered us from questions and from fears
the only tears were gratitude-that you were there, so near
and when we had to part your heart stayed close to me still
echos of the warming as I drove in winter's chill


Now dear time has come and gone and somehow we are here
we listen to the other's tales of voyage far and near
as my life spins down I hope I'll always call you friend
Companions as days come 'round and hearts so sweetly mend