Monday, October 23, 2006

What do I see?

When I look inside, what do I see?

The light that won't dim. Energy that people tell me is warming and welcoming. But the light isn't me. It's not my selfishness, or my fears, or my frustrations, or my disapproval of myself.

What is the undimmable light?

Every time I hold my son close to me, and see the eyes I've looked into for 7 years now, the light is there.

Every embrace of my clients (how many lawyers hug their clients? Too few, to be sure) tells me the light is there, in my work and in my heart. A lover once said I had "smart + heart".

Every meditation causes the light to well up and grow brighter and warmer in the stillness. The focus increases the luminesence.

The light is reflected in the eyes of my lover. Love given transforms via magical alchemy into love received. The circle whirls, the light shines.

And laying down in the night, smiling before falling into that beautiful blackness, I count blessings and give thanks for all the light and all the darkness.

Even in the darkness, I see.

I am here and I have a path, however late I've come to the trail-head and however heart-broken.

My heart breaks each day in a stunning display of independence from my mind. It's impossible for me to walk in this world oblivious to its pains.

How much more comfortable it would be to turn off my empathy for just a little while. But no. And gratitude exists for the knowledge that one of my jobs here on earth is to see and feel others' pain and to acknowledge it. Then to help end it if possible, to heal people with love and light. Thankfully, the chance arrives every now and then.

When eyes close, the heart opens. (Tantric lovemaking skills notwithstanding.)

When I close my eyes, I see god.

And as importantly, god sees me.

When I pray, god hears me.

But when I still and open, in the silence, I hear god.

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